robo_adventure's Friends

I'm not much for resolutions. I tend to think most people either take the easy way out and say something glib like, "this year, I'll finally lose that last ten pounds", or they find an aspect of their personality and make some grand gesture about trying to rid themselves of it, like "this year, I won't be so judgmental" or the like. Fuck all that noise. Anyone who's made an actual effort to change knows that you can't just throw ideas like that around for the sake of observing a holiday.

That said, 2009 was a learning experience, to say the least. In that spirit, here are the things I know I need to work on, some of which I made efforts towards already:

1) be direct about what I want, need and expect from other people. No one can read my mind as accurately as I wish they often could, and it's worth it to keep everyone from getting hurt in some form or fashion by being explicit.

2) get back on that "don't settle for mediocrity" kick I was on a few years ago. Being that I am, among other things, a creative person, I shouldn't ever let myself just sit there and let the people I'm working with determine how a project I'm involved in comes out, particularly if I can see a reason to change it. This works on personal levels, too: the goals I have in mind are kinda lofty (paying off as much of my personal debt as possible, getting into a routine that allows me a much greater degree of independence, pursuing my artistic goals as much as possible), but if I don't hold myself accountable to a standard higher than I have in the past, I'm not worth the couple grand my parents paid to have me birthed.

3) don't date anyone until I feel like I'm able to address every aspect of my life without any hint of guilt, shame or depression. I've gone into relationships without dealing with my own baggage before, and it isn't a good thing for me to do. I have to take care of myself first and foremost.

4) determine how much I want to stay involved in Birmingham's punk scene. This doesn't translate to me not playing music, but I'm not as excited about the scene here as I used to be. It's pretty unfortunate, but it's true. Cave9's demise really shut me down. There's a lot of great resources here for bands to use, and to support, but I kind of feel like I've given as much as I can without having to draw a damn salary.

5) determine how much I want to pursue art. Maybe it's just a dry spell, but I haven't felt compelled to paint or draw in a while. I still do it, because I just do, but it's not at the level of commitment I think is necessary for me to really feel like I'm pursuing it as an actual life.

Perhaps this is a second go-round of a quarter-life crisis. All I know is, I want to not be depressed about my situation, I want to be proud of myself, and I want to have a brighter outlook for the future. It's just weird as hell to feel like what I've devoted my life to thus far is stunting me. It's like I've betrayed myself.

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